The Hobbit: Battle of 5 Armies (0/10)

    

 

This one is probably one of my more passionate and bitter rants, so it seemed like a good place to start. Here are my thoughts on the third Hobbit film directed by Peter Jackson in 2014.

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    To start off, the Lord of the Rings trilogy is one of the undisputed bosses of the fantasy film genre, and rightfully so. It was a pinnacle of the art of movie making in the early 2000's. The trilogy is the most awarded film series in cinematic history. Out of all the rankings for musical scores, individual actor performances, screenplays, special effects, you name it - the Lord of the Rings trilogy has gathered 475 awards out of its 800 nominations. 

    James Cameron's Titanic and William Wyler's Ben-Hur are the only films that come close.

    I'm saying all of this as a sort of bedrock to express how impressive this trilogy is and how big of a fan of it I am. From an art and design standpoint, these films blow many the rest out of the water. The creative team made damn near everything - so many weapons and whole suits of armor, the various realistic facial prosthetics - and honestly many of the CGI still holds up well to this day. The attention to detail and the passion for the craft are something I laude and admire. 

    TLDR, those three films are so good. I feel like most everyone can agree that LotR is a good movie franchise, even from people who have read and loved the original books by J. R. R. Tolkien. Some folks even think the movies are BETTER than their source material, since they make some scenes a bit easier to follow than their written counterparts. 

    So when Peter Jackson and crew were like "Let's do the Hobbit!"

    I was like "YEAH!"

    Because I had read the book over a recent vacation and had enjoyed it and was therefore excited to see it get the fantastically dedicated treatment the LotR trilogy had received. 

    When I'm excited for movies, I'd say it's very difficult for them to disappoint me. It's kind of like my giddy joy overshadows my more critical faculties and I'm just happy to be there, y'know?

    (For example, I own the American Godzilla film from 2014. It's not the best edition to the franchise by any means. In fact, I'm probably gonna review that one later to point out its flaws. But Godzilla was so cute and fat and I could look passed any of the mistakes to just enjoy the film for Godzilla above all else.)

    So anyway - The Hobbit - I was hyped. 

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SPOILER WARNING PASSED THIS POINT 

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    I did not like that it was spread into 3 films, seeing as the children's book isn't all that long to begin with, but I could handle it. Peter Jackson inserted a bunch of stuff from the Silmarillion so it DID technically happen in the same timeline as The Hobbit, just not directly written about in the book. Most of it was canon and I was okay with that. I enjoyed the thought of getting to see things that I wouldn't get to see otherwise on the big screen, like Raddaghast the Wizard. 

    Other people wrote it off right there. "That's not in the book." And they were right. But I was like, "But it's in A BOOK in the series, and I like seeing it portrayed by actors in a movie with a bunch of passion and love for the source material behind it."

    When the film started and you see the dwarves start arriving, and then Gandalf comes in all dressed in his classic grey robes from so long ago. The dinner scene had so much charming energy. The book had only really described the dwarves by their names and the fact that they wore different colored robes. The movie gave each dwarf their own specific appearance and unique personality. It gave me the same gleeful joy that I got from meeting the members of the the Fellowship of the Ring in the first LotR movie. 

    It wasn't just nostalgia, it was that same deep resonance of the LotR universe that gleams with such fantasy and whimsy. It really transports you there, body and soul. To reiterate, it rustled up the same excitement within me that I got from the original trilogy. I loved what they were doing so far and I wanted more of it. 

    The "Misty Mountains" song was particularly chilling and lovely. The Hobbit book contains a multiple songs but it was never really easy for me to HEAR them in my mind through reading the text. Not like that. Not like all of those dwarves mourning their lost home and lost loved ones. I could HEAR that. In my bones.

    I was so ready for this trilogy. So ready.

    The first one was great. I didn't really have any complaints. And I loved the second one too. 

    Among some of the changes, they added orcs on the scene even though they didn't really appear in such numbers in the Hobbit. They gave Raddaghast the Wizard way more screentime and attention than the book did. They added a whole new character, a female elf archer who was lovely. Her name was Tauriel. There weren't exactly PLENTY of badass lady characters in The Hobbit so I was fine with this edition. I am an angry feminist, after all.

    Everyone else kind of disliked Tauriel in general. "She's not in the book!" And they were right. 

    But I could kind of see why they did, just as a bit more world-building?? Giving some ladies a little spotlight in what was otherwise a movie with 15 male leads.

    I was okay with Legolas coming back, because he IS from Mirkwood (if I'm remembering correctly) which IS a location the dwarves visit in the book. So it's likely he existed and was somewhat present around there when the film took place. It wasn't like they pulled him out of thin air when he wasn't even born yet or something like that.

    I was like "Sure, he can come too, I guess. Nice to see him again."

    Again, I really loved the way the film fleshed out the dwarves who really didn't get a lot of details in the original book. I loved the actors that they chose for each one.

    I was SO READY for this trilogy, I can't stress that enough. 

    Second movie, they hit Killi with a poison arrow. This does NOT take place in the book. And that was the first twinge of something going wrong for me. It was obviously killing him and it was like "What... What are you doing? He is supposed to be there with his fellow dwarves when they go to the mountaintop..." 

    But to mention some more good things in Hobbit 2 - I loved getting to know Bard and his family better. The book really doesn't give you a whole lot of information on this man for him being THE GUY THAT KILLS SMAUG. He's QUITE IMPORTANT, wouldn't you say? And yet he's just kind of there and good at wielding a bow and arrow, that's - kind of all they give you in the book.

    There were so many good things that they did with this movie. Honestly. Like, that almost made it hurt more when I look back on it, because I did NOT hate it in its entirety and I still don't.

        A lot of people complained about some of the moments where the CGI was sub parr, and I can't deny those. The "large army scenes" were such a letdown. The scene with the dwarves riding down the river in barrels went on for WAY too long and was so obviously fake and choppy. The entirety of the third movie was LOADED with CGI. It was like they computerized everything they possibly could, and I didn't get that at all because a big part of the the brilliant essence of the original LotR trilogy and the first Hobbit film was the care and attention to detail. 

    I could somewhat manage to look past that too, because I saw Smaug, and he was one of the MOST AMAZING THINGS I've ever seen on film. He was so detailed and expressive. His screen presence was awe-inspiring. He was so gigantic and beautiful - I felt like Smaug made up for any lower-tier visual effects from the first two films. H was MAGNIFICENT. It was evident that SOMEONE at WETA Workshop still cared and wanted to flex their skills instead of hurrying through.

    I loved them spending more time with him and giving him more character because he basically flies over Lake Town and gets shot down in the book. He barely really has any screentime at all. So this was nice. An improvement over the original, I thought. 

    But then they spent sooo long in the mines and it started to drag. Some sequences were so goofy. There's no way Thorin could ride on a shield atop a slide of liquid gold without getting COOKED to the surface of the shield in a matter of seconds. The whole half-solidified golden dwarf statue that melts all over Smaug for no reason (other than visuals??) didn't seem necessary. They spent too long there and it wasn't for good reasons.

    But okay

    OKAY

    I kept up my suspension of disbelief even though it was starting to get encroached upon.

    Because I enjoyed those two films. 

    First and Second were just fine in my book. Hooray!

    And I thought, with the upcoming third film, we would have justification and more development on what happened in Lake Town after Smaug took wing to destroy it. Surely, there would be a good reason for Filli and Killi and those other two dwarves to be left behind, while Thorin and Co. continue onward, right? They'll make a big difference in protecting the people when Smaug sacks the town... RIGHT?

    That was the first betrayal. Because they took crucial main characters who were supposed to BE THERE with their BROTHERS at a pivotal plot moment and kept them somewhere else -

    - In order to set up a love triangle between Killi and Tauriel

    And Legolas

    And it wasn't even a good triangle. Like, Legolas barely made anything close to an "advance" toward Tauriel. The romantic interest was barely palpable between them at all. If anything it felt more like a mentor-apprentice thing to me. 

    I admit, I thought Killi and Tauriel were adorable even though the whole situation was non-canonical. Their height difference was cute and they at least had chemistry. And she saved him from the black arrow and things are kind of sweet in a classical romance kind of way.

    Smaug proceeds to sack Lake Town - which was cool and much more epic than the scene in the book felt, since it had more details and elements. He isn't the final Antagonist in The Hobbit so he is inherently going to go down. And that always bugged me about the book. So the movie gave me the extended view of him that I wanted so bad. And it was good.

    First 15 minutes of the third film, good. Good.

    But then Tauriel and Killi and co don't really make any sort of noticeable difference in the sacking of Lake Town at all. They don't really like - save anyone in particular, or fight back against Smaug. So it's clear that they were just pulled out of the main plot for development of their romance. 

    I learned later that Evangeline Lilly (Tauriel) didn't want to be a love interest at all, but they ended up making her one anyway. So that's irritating and and predictable and overdone. Male character + female character MUST = romance, there's no other way. 

    So everyone goes to the Mountain. I thought Thorin's bought of madness was a little over the top. It felt - weirdly portrayed?? But it was okay, I could see past it. 

    There's all these lines that keep coming back to haunt me. Like, that flash back where Thorin rallied his troops against the Orcs of Moria and he says "The line of Durin won't be wiped out so easily."    BUT THEY WERE. THEY WERE WIPED OUT VERY EASILY. 
  LIKE

    Azog the Defiler is dead in the book, and Bolg is his spawn or his son or whatever. So BOLG is supposed to be TheBigBad. And honestly, I would've been fine with Legolas killing him at the end of the second movie. Like, I literally didn't care. His design wasn't interesting. He didn't have any weight or worth as a villain, especially compared to Azog. He was so forgettable and had nooo screen presence. 

    Ugh, the titular Battle of 5 Armies.

    There was soooo much disappointing CGI during the battle. They incorporated all of these weird mutilations and prosthetics into the orcs and trolls that we've never seen before? They felt so out of pocket, like Peter Jackson was just blind grabbing weird shit that otherwise had no place in the LotR trilogy so this was his chance to use it. Don't know where the hell those maces and flails for arms came from.

    And then, with the moment of truth, when all of the dwarves are riding out to face Azog, there are these - giant Battle Rams?? I don't think we saw them in a stable or anywhere within the mines before they burst out as calvary mounts. They just came out of nowhere.

    Thorn had said before that Filli and Killi are the best warriors in the dwarf squad. That's why he allowed them to come with him and Dwalin. That's why they were there at all even though they are on the younger end of age and experience. That's WHY they were in this FIGHT.

    And then they ride up the hill on the rams and SPLIT UP

    LIKE

    Who splits up during a battle??? Especially from their Brother in Battle like that??

    "Let's make Filli and Killi split up which they never do and I, Thorin will go over here also by myself even though I have compatriots that would and should have my back."

    It felt like when the cluster of teens says "Let's split up" in a horror movie. Just - the dumbest decision in light of the circumstances. Literally felt nonsensical, given how few dwarves there were compared to the Elves and the Orcs and all that. It was just sooo stupid. 

    I wasn't delusional enough to think Filli, Killi, and Thorin wouldn't meet their same fates as they did in the book, but this method in particular made me wanna pull my hair out as I watched it. 

    And it just got worse.

    Filli goes into a cave by himself and gets surrounded effortlessly. He's the one with all the THROWING KNIVES and DAGGERS. He's the type to sneak up on enemies and STAY OUT of close quarters like this. He just dead-end's himself in there and looks scared and gets captured like a civilian, not a mighty dwarf warrior. Azog stabs him through the chest right in front of Thorin and drops him disrespectfully on the ice. 

    It was so helpless?? No one tried to shoot an arrow at Azog. Filli didn't try and slice Azog's arm with the PLENTIFUL BLADES on his parson. He wasn't really struggling at all. They just - gave one of the three most important dwarves such a stupid and unimportant death. It was straight up disrespectful.

    They didn't LET HIM be one of the best fighters in this noble line of dwarves. He felt like a nobody. Killi watches his dead brother's body hit the ground in front of him and yells with pain and rage. I'm a big revenge fan, so I was like "YEAHHH! Revenge time!"

    No.

    NOPE.

    I just - No one watched LotR: Return of the King and said "There wasn't enough death. I wanted more hopeless emotional damage." DID THEY? Lots of my favorite characters survive Return of the King. Like, damn near everyone sees another day And that wasn't a problem. I've never heard anyone say it "wasn't realistic enough, there's no way so many characters would survive such a big war, blah blah."

    It was like Peter Jackson watched his own movie and was like "I should hurt people more. This didn't hurt enough. I want to be more edgy and dark even though this story is for children and generally has a very hopeful and encouraging theme."

    The thing with the LotR trilogy is that an important character death is ALWAYS answered with a point for vengeance. King Theoden gets chomped by the Witch King's fell beast and Eowyn is RIGHT THERE with "I will KILL YOU if you touch him!" Not only does she kill the fell beast. She ALSO gets the "I am no man!" moment and stabs the Witch King himself in the face and it's AWESOME. 

    And then she gets to say goodbye to Theoden.

    It's a sad and painful moment, for sure. We all know what it's like to lose a loved one.
    But you're still satisfied. It's a beautiful death. And there's the closure and the sense of satisfaction knowing the bastard who did it is no longer breathing. That's important to me. I want character death's to MEAN SOMETHING. I want to believe in a world like that, where valor is rewarded.

    I know that's kind of naive of me. I understand that it's not always like that, but DAMMIT. The Hobbit film isn't the time and place to explore the failures and faults in humanity! That's not where we dwell on reasons why we all deserve to be sad all the time!

    The Hobbit was Tolkien's book FOR CHILDREN. Where is all this emotional trauma coming from?? The vibes for the finale were just - so off. 

    So Filli's dead and I'm ready for revenge.

    The LotR trilogy hasn't skimped out on before but JUST FOR ME, they do here in the Hobbit 3.

    Killi runs up to beat Azog and is intercepted by Bolg.
    Bolg, who I could not have cared less about and who has no screen presence as a villain and gets no respect or fear from me. Bolg, who is suddenly thrown into the spotlight like he matters at all.

    (I know Bolg is meant to be the villain because Azog is already dead but given that Azog is ALIVE in the film, Bolg is just SOOO low on the ladder in comparison. No where NEAR as intimidating and visually-appealing.)

    KILLI IS A GOOD FIGHTER, as stated by Thorin.

    And who comes to Killi's aid? Tauriel. Because of course she does - she cares about him.

    So the first instance of seeing Tauriel in this film trilogy, she kicks everyone's ass. She takes out giant spiders left and right without even breaking a sweat. She's fierce in battle and doesn't have one pretty hair out of place. But against Bolg she just... sucks. 

    It's like the fans complained that she was too powerful in the second film so they dropped her to LEVEL ONE for the FINAL BOSS BATTLE??

    SHE JUST - CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT

    (Thranduil broke her bow because she was mad at him, so she doesn't have the weapon she's best with at the most critical point in the whole film. He broke it for drama, it was so dumb.)

    So yeah, she's basically useless in the ongoing scuffle. And I CAN'T STAND IT when movies and TV shows TEASE ME with character death, when they make me THINK something isn't going to happen and then do it anyway. 

    Like, you see Bolg raise his spear and Killi looks up in terror and then Tauriel kicks the orc back and saves Killi and things seem like they're going well.

    But then Bolg just grabs him AGAIN in the EXACT SAME WAY and stabs him with the spear IN THE EXACT SAME WAY like he was going to do the first time.

    The final fight with Bolg is honestly my most hated part of this film. Honestly. It has like, 4 frustrating and badly-written moments all in the span of like, 7 minutes.

    I don't know what this little "Did you think he was going to live?? Ha ha! He dies anyway!" bit was but I hated it. The movie was like, straight up teasing me by psyching me out. Making me think something wasn't going to happen and then just immediately doing it again. Almost like some sort of joke?

    And we're supposed to believe that Tauriel and Killi TOGETHER can't beat one buff orc???

    They've kicked every ass they've come across and now suddenly they just - don't know how to do anything?? They just stand there and wait for death??? It was so painful to watch.

    Killi gets stabbed and Tauriel cries out in sadness and they spend WAY too long looking at Killi's dying face as a god damn TEAR ROLLS DOWN HIS CHEEK. And Tauriel is just lying on the ground crying, watching him fall, like - It's like the writers were like "Just stay down. Don't get back up, Tauriel. Bolg is gonna hit you - just stay down. Just watch Killi die."

    It took one sentence - ONE SENTENCE - from a KillixTauriel fanfiction for all of this to settle as bullshit in my head.

    Tauriel sees Killi fighting and needing some help and she thinks, "I did not save him just to watch him die." 

    And THAT'S WHAT THE MOVIE DID. It went OUT OF ITS WAY to have her save his life in Lake Town just to increase their love for each other before they DESTROYED IT. It wasn't even a good death. It was so dramatic and cheesy and stupid.

    And so now, I'm like, "At least Tauriel is gonna get some revenge for him in this moment of grief and rage."

    WRONG

    She grabs Bolg and tries to hurl herself off of the cliff with him in an attempt to kill him even if it kills her too. They fall together and smash roughly on the mountainside. 

    Now she's lying there unconscious and hurt and Bolg just ... SITS BACK UP, ready to go.

    She couldn't even sacrifice herself properly. They wouldn't LET HER hurt Bolg, I swear to God.

    So who comes just in the nick of time??

    LEGOLAS

    As if Legolas and Bolg have a score to settle that is REMOTELY COMPARABLE to what Tauriel and Bolg have now that Bolg killed her love.

    Return of the King was perfect because EVERYONE had a "boss moment." Like, Aragorn gets to take on that armored troll all by himself. Legolas takes down that elephant single-handedly. Eowyn kills the Witch King with Merry's help. Pippin saves Gandalf from an orc's sneak attack. Sam wrecks Shelob to save Frodo. THEY ALL GET A BOSS MOMENT.

    But in the HOBBIT MOVIE they give ALL of the "boss moments" to Legolas.
    Who wasn't expressly in the book and isn't even a central part of this story. It was just so dumb.

    I don't dislike Legolas or anything, but -- 
    JUST
    They gave HIM the Bolg kill point! They didn't give Tauriel that revenge, they let Legolas take it from her even though he doesn't have NEARLY the amount of emotional skin in the game. Legolas then proceeds to hitch a ride on some monster bats and then does this crumbling-stone-hopping sequence like some shit from a Mario game. 

      They gave him 4 Boss Moments at once, and for what??

    And Bolg sure as hell didn't deserve to have Killi's death under his belt. Bolg isn't a good enough character/villain for that. It was SO unsatisfying to me. 

    So Killi and Filli are both dead. Killi didn't get his revenge for his brother and Tauriel didn't get revenge for her love. Tauriel crawls back over to Killi and is super sad. It was just... bad. She's an elf so she's gonna live forever with this grief. It's just - extra tragic for a movie based on a children's book.

    Not that I wanted her to die too, but it was like they wouldn't even give her sacrifice meaning. They didn't let her do ANYTHING in the MOST PIVOTAL MOMENTS of this film trilogy, when she was needed the most. 

    At least Thorin got a beautiful death. 

    It had some overly theatrical elements, like Azog sneaking beneath the ice and Thorin's dramatic slow-mo dying face. And it was so drawn out. But that was okay. Smaug and Thorin were good deaths, and I was plenty happy with those. But Filli and Killi are supposed to die together after giving their all for Thorin, their uncle. It's the line of Durin, fighting to the last breath, bravely and admirably. The last of their family line gets wiped out, but at least they get to die together. 

    But in the film, they are all separated. Filli was so weirdly helpless, all alone. Killi was almost stabbed and then actually stabbed like a dumbass in front of his Elf Girlfriend who must've just been nerfed for dramatic effect. Legolas gets all the "Cool Points" out of nowhere, for no reason. And Thorin dies, also alone. 

    Ugh, I just couldn't believe it. It was like Peter Jackson - this man I had so much faith in and so much respect for - went out of his way just to fuck with me. Just to take all the tropes I love and shit on each one of them. I felt so targeted for no reason. 

    In the book, Bilbo gets knocked out and misses the entire battle essentially. So it already kind of pulls you out of really FEELING the weight and the triumph and the loss of the battle. But he DOES get to say goodbye to Thorin before he dies. And you have the comfort that Filli and Killi died together, side by side, defending their beloved uncle to their last breath.

    The movie took away basically every little comfort you would use as a viewer who has witnessed something tragic. 

    "At least Killi got to avenge his brother's death."

    No

    "At least Tauriel got to kill Bolg after he killed Killi."

    No

    "At least Beyorn got his big moment of plowing everyone over to rescue Thorin right at the last moment, like he does in the book."

    No

    Honestly Thorin killing Azog didn't feel like the revenge he deserved either. Bolg was this moldy block of cheese that could have died between the second and third movies, off screen, and I wouldn't have cared. 

    I'm not even one of those "by the book" fans and even I was like "What the hell is this shit?"

    It would've been SO EASY to give us the ending that those characters deserved. If Peter was going to change things, he could've changed them SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. I had every faith and every confidence in him. I felt that happy little thrill in my soul during the start of the first Hobbit film. I FELT IT. I was so ready for another journey into Middle Earth.

    But no. We went to the Kingdom of Pain and Stupid Storytelling.

    So there I am in the theatre, watching the credits with a SEA of disappointment in my heart, and they play that beautiful song by Billy Boyd (Pippin) called "The Last Goodbye." It was like a grand send-off to the world of Middle Earth - but it was just like pouring salt in my wounds.

    THIS was how you wanted it to end, Peter Jackson? THIS is my last foray into Middle Earth? You give me this super expensive and glittery piece of garbage. You dropped the ball right when it mattered the most. And then you tell me "Goodbye" with the voice of an angel from your FIRST goddamn trilogy. The one you did so well. THE HEIGHT OF YOUR CRAFT. It was such a slap in the face.

    I don't even want to own the third movie to complete my collection because I hate it so much. The Hobbit trilogy but ESPECIALLY "Battle of the Five Armies" is just such an affrontery to the LotR trilogy and all of the work and passion that went into it. The Hobbit movie had so much hurried CGI, so many bits that could've been better. There were so many green screens and stand-ins instead of actual sets and all of the actual actors being able to work together that Sir Ian McKellen (Gandalf) literally cried on set. 

    "This is not why I became an actor," he said. 

    The Hobbit films started out strong but there was so much sloppy work and corner-cutting. It was clearly more of a way to make money instead of an actual passion project. It was stretched way too far, with so many scenes that were just dumb filler because they wanted the profit from THREE movies instead of one. It doesn't have the same soul as LotR and it never will. 

    It was a book written for children. It's supposed to be a generally hopeful adventure story. But after all the deaths and losses, you're left in this blanket of sadness. The Hobbit is not a story filled with sorrow and pain. There is death and there is loss but it's not the WHOLE VIBE of the last few chapters. The whole ending was just such a downer, like - it makes you wonder "How could Bilbo possibly think of this adventure fondly? How could he tell Frodo that he enjoyed any part of it, after the look on the dwarves' faces as they waved him goodbye with three of their friends dead?" 

    The whole story is just not supposed to be that sad. That's basically a summary of the worst of my griefs with this film. The book has a much happier mood at the end, more charming and whimsical even with the gravity of danger and war. The Hobbit wasn't supposed to be something that it felt like Bilbo would've REGRETTED DOING and nothing more. 

    I was willing to overlook so many other flaws and short-comings in this trilogy, if only the last movie had been worthwhile. I believed it would be, with all my heart. And it was such a letdown. The special effects, practical effects, and writing had all gotten WORSE instead of better even though 10+ years had passed and we had come so much further with technology and film.

So yeah, that's basically my rant. It was 13 pages in a Word Document.

If you've read this far, you're a trooper. 

Thanks for stopping by.

Hopefully more reviews to come.